“No, Thank You. I can do it”: Preventing Learned Helplessness

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Imagine completing everyday tasks like grocery shopping, safely crossing the street, using an elevator, or handling routine job duties. Then, imagine being in the middle of one of these tasks only to have someone step in with unwanted assistance. While the person stepping in to help may be well-intentioned, repeated intervention can lead to frustration in confident adults and, for children, may foster learned helplessness. Learned helplessness occurs when a child begins to doubt their abilities and comes to expect help even when they are perfectly capable. 

Strategies to Prevent Learned Helplessness 

To help your child build independence and confidence, consider these approaches: 

• Set High Expectations: 
  • Work on one realistic, achievable goal at a time.
  • Encourage your child to complete tasks they can already do independently while gradually increasing the level of challenge. 
  • Take laundry, for example: Your child can start by putting their dirty laundry into the basket. After doing so independently, they can begin putting the dirty laundry into the washer. Next, expect them to move wet laundry from the washer to the dryer. The next step could be helping sort their laundry. Keep progressing until they can complete the whole process.  

• Encourage Helping Others: 
  • Provide regular opportunities for your child to assist with chores or community activities. 
  • Involve them in household tasks and volunteer activities so they learn that relationships are reciprocal and that they can be contributors, too. 

• Ensure Accessible Environments: 
  • Collaborate with your child to organize their home and learning spaces. 
  • Label items and areas that are difficult to identify so your child can access daily necessities independently. 

• Teach Your Child to Decline Help When It’s Not Needed: 
  • Help your child develop a polite phrase, such as “No, thank you. I can do it,” to use when they do not need assistance. 
  • Model and role-play to help your child feel confident, and practice using phrases to support their independence and confidence.  
  • Remind the child and family members to use this phrase so that your child feels supported in asserting their independence. 

Recognizing and Addressing Enabling Behaviors 

Sometimes, even well-meaning parents and caregivers may inadvertently teach learned helplessness. Here are some tips and narrative examples to help you reflect on your approach: 

Self-Reflection Questions 

Before offering help, pause and ask yourself, “Am I stepping in too quickly?”Consider whether you are providing opportunities for your child to try the task independently. 

The Jacket Zipper: A Reflection 

Imagine a scenario where every time Sarah struggles to zip up her jacket, her parent immediately steps in and zips it for her, saying, “I’ve got it.” Over time, Sarah begins to expect help and stops trying independently. Recognizing this pattern, her parent says, “Would you like to try zipping it yourself?” and offers gentle guidance if needed. This slight shift not only builds Sarah’s confidence but also reinforces that she is capable. 

Activities to Encourage Independence 

• “Try It First” Challenge: Before stepping in to help, encourage your child to attempt the task independently. Set aside a specific time each day to practice a particular skill (like opening a jar or using a fork) and discuss afterward what went well and what could be improved. 

• Task Chart: With your child’s input, create a simple log of tasks they’ve tried to do on their own. Celebrate successes by noting improvements or challenges overcome. Over time, this can become a reminder of their growing independence. 

• Role-Playing Scenarios: Use role-playing to simulate everyday tasks. For example, set up a mini “store” at home where your child is the cashier or shopper and gently prompt them to complete tasks without immediate assistance. This can be a fun way to reinforce self-reliance. 

These activities and reflective practices can help you and your child recognize when well-intentioned help might hinder independence. 

Find the Balance between Supporting and Helping 

By setting high expectations, encouraging your child to help others, ensuring accessible environments, and teaching them to decline assistance respectfully, you can help build a foundation of confidence and independence. Remember to take time to reflect on your own responses. Sometimes, a quick fix can become a learned habit. With intentionality and patience, you can support your child by knowing when they are capable and taking pride in doing things on their own. 

Frequently Asked Questions